Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Arguments against creationism and ID

What follows was posted on a shortlived blogsite, called "The Burning Panda". Actually, the blogsite lives again - evidently somebody at Panda's Thumb was so piqued that somebody might have a laugh in public at their expense that they rose to the bait and have made it into a mouthpiece. It should probably be called "The Castrated Panda" now, but there you go.

The author (pseudonymously known on Telic Thoughts as Commander) says of the blogsite:
We pulled the site after we got what we wanted. Basically to show that anti-teleologist's can dish it out but can’t take it themselves. It seems that someone from the panda's thumb already snagged the blogger.com user id as well.

Indeed. Anyway, with Commander's permission, here is what was written. It was too clever and too funny to disappear. For further information, please go to Telic Thoughts. Of course, I can't imagine why anybody at PT should be upset, given there is so little correspondence between these arguments and reality!

After surveying the literature over the past few months, I've compiled the best arguments against Intelligent Design and in favor of neo-darwinism.

1) The Monty Python Proof
1. Michael Behe is an intelligent design theorist who was seen at a church.
2. But only creationists go to church.
3. Michael Behe's a creationist! Burn him!
4. Therefore evolution is true.

2) The Argument from Really, Really, Really Big Bones
1. Some scientists found a bone.
2. It was a really big bone.
3. Manatees are really big but manatees don't have this bone.
4. The bone must have belonged to an older form of manatee that has now evolved.
5. Therefore evolution is true.

3) The Argument from Icky Things
1. There are moles on some people.
2. No designer would ever design moles.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

4) The Argument from Age of the Earth
1. Earth is 4.5 billion years old.
2. Therefore evolution is true.

5) The Either/Or Argument
1. If evolution is true then creationism is false.
2. Creationism is false because evolution is true.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

6) The Argument from Scientists
1. Scientists are perfect and never ever lie.
2. Scientists believe that evolution can explain everything.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

7) The Argument from Truth as Determined by Peer Review
1. There has never been anything published in peer-reviewed journals by ID theorists (Meyer, Dembski, Behe, Schaeffer, Thaxton, etc).
2. If it's never been published then ID is false.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

8) The Argument from Falsifiability
1. I.D. isn't real science because it isn't falsifiable.
2. Evolution is true and has falsified design.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

9) The Scotsman Fallacy of Antony Flew:
1. No scientist believes there is an Intelligent Designer.
2. Well, some do.
3. No REAL scientist believes in an intelligent designer.
4. Therefore evolution is true.

10) The Argument from a Hissing Feminist
1. Intelligent Design presupposes a patriarchal womanizer!
2. Well, as a feminist I can't tolerate that!
4. Feminist response- "Hiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssss!"
5. Therefore evolution is true.

11) The Argument from Computer Programs
1. A programmer wrote a program that he installed on a computer.
2. The code took written words and randomly placed them together, under certain programmed rules, to form complete sentences.
3. See? Random processes CAN create information.
4. Therefore evolution is true.

12) The Choo Choo Train Proof
1. A long time ago trains were fueled by wood.
2. Then they evolved and were fueled by steam.
3. Now trains are powered by electricity.
4. So trains have evolved by completely random processes!
5. Therefore evolution is true.

13) The "It's Our Only Hope" Proof
1. If intelligent design is true then everything will return to a theocracy.
2. Seriously, there will be witch hunts.
3. Children will be raised to believe in purpose! (oh dear…)
4. We can never let that happen! Help me evolution you're my only hope.
5. Therefore evolution is true.

14) The Evolutionary Modal Ontological Argument
1. There is a possible world where evolution can explain everything necessarily.
2. So evolution is necessary then.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

15) The Argument from Eyes
1. If dolphins have eyes and birds have eyes then evolution is true.
2. Dolphins have eyes and birds have eyes.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

16) The Argument of Ignorance
1. Intelligent Design theorists are ignorant.
2. I mean come on, how could anyone seriously believe that?
3. No really, how?
4. Therefore evolution is true.

17) The Argument Against Fancy Words
1. Intelligent Design theorists use really big words.
2. If they are using big words, then they are just trying to sound smart.
3. But if they are trying to sound smart, they really aren't smart.
4. Therefore evolution is true.

18) The Argument From The Crusades
1. Christians fought in the crusades and committed horrible atrocities.
2. Christians are creationists.
3. Intelligent Design is Creationism in a cheap tuxedo.
4. So Intelligent Design theorists are responsible for the horrible atrocities of the crusades.
5. Therefore evolution is true.

19) The Argument of Mistaken Vocational Identity
1. An Intelligent Design theorist called a biochemist a chemist once.
2. How can the ID theorist be so retarded?
3. Therefore evolution is true.

20) The Argument from Mystery
1. Intelligent Design takes the mystery from science.
2. Therefore evolution is true.

21) The "That’s Just The Way It Is" Argument
1. I wish there was purpose to life but there isn't.
2. I'm really sorry.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

22) The Argument from Children's Imagination
1. Only children believe in Santa Claus.
2. Belief in God is kind of like belief in Santa Claus.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

23) The Argument from Lunacy
1. A guy on a lot of drugs once claimed to feel God.
2. But he was on drugs.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

24) The Argument from David Silverman
1. David Silverman debated Norman Geisler once.
2. David Silverman can talk louder, faster, and over Geisler.
3. Geisler could barely get a word in!
4. Boy, if Silverman can talk faster than Geisler, then he must have won the debate.
5. Therefore evolution is true.

25) The Gold Star Argument
1. An atheist quit going to sunday school because he didn't get the gold star one week.
2. He's been an atheist ever since.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

26) The Argument from Shared Molecular Structures
1. Amoebas have proteins.
2. Humans have proteins.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

27) The Flat Earth Association Argument
1. There were some creationists who used to believe the earth is flat a long, long time ago.
2. But the earth is a sphere.
3. Therefore evolution is true.

28) The Appeal to Richard Dawkins
1. Richard Dawkins is an evolutionist.
2. Richard Dawkins is also smart.
3. Therefore evolution is true.